Why Talking to Strangers Makes Us Happier Than We Expect
Three or four times a week, I take the Amsterdam metro to my Reformer Pilates class. Always at 9am, when it's busy.
I've become a bit of an observer. Most people are on their phones, of course. But even those who aren't, they stare at the floor, the ceiling, the metro map they've seen a thousand times. Anything to avoid eye contact. Everyone in their own bubble, carefully maintaining the unwritten rule: we don't talk to each other here.
I used to do the same. Earbuds in, eyes down, treating the commute as dead time to survive.
Then I read about an experiment that changed how I see those metro rides.
Psychologist Nicholas Epley asked Chicago commuters to do one of three things: sit in solitude (normal behaviour), talk to a stranger, or do whatever felt most comfortable. Before the commute, he asked them to predict how they'd feel.
Most predicted that talking to strangers would be the least pleasant option. Awkward. Intrusive. Exhausting.
The opposite happened. Commuters who talked to strangers reported significantly more positive experiences than those who sat alone. And here's what fascinates me: the strangers enjoyed it too. Both parties felt better.
We systematically underestimate how much we'll enjoy connecting with people we don't know. Epley calls this a "misunderstanding of social connection." We overestimate the risk of rejection and underestimate others' willingness to engage.
Look around that metro carriage. Everyone staring at their phones, avoiding eye contact, they're not antisocial. They're just as hesitant as you are. And probably just as lonely in that moment.
The environment doesn't help. The unwritten rules of public transport, the norms, the signals, the careful distance, actively discourage connection. We've designed social spaces that make isolation the default.
How to use this insight:
The research suggests our instincts about social interaction are reliably wrong. We avoid connection expecting awkwardness, but experience warmth. This has implications across many contexts.
If you're feeling isolated: Notice that the barrier is almost entirely internal. The research shows others want connection as much as you do, they're just equally hesitant to initiate. Someone has to go first. The data says it will go better than you expect. Start small: a comment, a question, a compliment. You're not imposing. You're offering something both of you want.
If you're designing spaces or events: Default architecture matters. Open floor plans don't create connection, they often reduce it because the "rules" feel unclear. What works better: clear structures that give people permission to interact. Name tags at events. Communal tables in cafés. Assigned seating that mixes people. The question isn't "how do we get people to talk?" It's "how do we make talking the obvious thing to do?"
If you're leading a team: New team members often stay silent not because they have nothing to contribute, but because they're unsure if contribution is welcome. The same dynamic Epley found on trains happens in meetings. Create explicit invitations: "We haven't heard from you yet—what's your take?" You're not putting people on the spot. You're giving them the permission they're waiting for.
If you're a parent: Children learn social norms by watching us. When we model that strangers are threats to avoid, they absorb that. When we model small moments of friendly connection, with shopkeepers, neighbours, other parents, we teach them that the social world is warmer than it appears.
If you're building a business: Customer loyalty often comes from moments of unexpected human connection. The barista who remembers your name. The support agent who goes off-script. These interactions feel rare because we've systematised them out of efficiency. But they're exactly what people remember and return for.
I've started small on my metro rides. A comment about how busy it is. A smile when someone struggles with a heavy bag. Nothing profound. But those fifteen minutes feel different now.
And I suspect they do for the other person too.
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0.5 MINUTES: NOT TO BE MISSED
Why We Feel Lonely in Crowds
Here's a paradox: people report feeling lonelier in cities than in small towns, despite being surrounded by more people.
Sociologist Eric Klinenberg studied this and found that density without interaction creates isolation. Passing thousands of faces without a single exchange reinforces the sense of being invisible.
It's not the number of people around you. It's the number of people who see you.
This is why "third places", cafés, libraries, parks with benches, matter so much. They create the conditions for acknowledgment. Not deep friendship, just the small recognition that you exist.
If you're feeling invisible, the answer isn't more people. It's different contexts.
Here's to the stubborn optimists, who unlock the power of Behavioural Design for optimising work, life, and everything in between.
Until next week,
Astrid Groenewegen
Co-Founder of SUE | Behavioural Design Academy, Author of 'The Art of Designing Behaviour' / 'De Kunst van Gedrag Ontwerpen' and ‘De Gelukscode’.
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