Happiness isn't a skill you build

Stop Working on Yourself

A confession: I spent years teaching behavioural change while failing at it myself.

Meditation? Started and stopped. Evening walks? A lovely phase I remember fondly. Less sugar? Once upon a time. Better work-life balance? Aspirational at best.

I knew all the techniques. I'd written a book about them. And yet the gap between what I knew and what I did remained stubbornly wide.

Then something shifted.

I was at a leadership training in Norway, beautiful location, world-class experts on nutrition, sleep, movement, mindfulness. My job was to add the behavioural component: how to turn good intentions into habits. Halfway through, I realised something uncomfortable. Everything we were teaching put the burden on the individual. Be more disciplined. Make better choices. Develop willpower.

Two weeks later, the feedback came in. Some participants reported feeling worse after the programme. More guilt. More awareness of how much they "should" be doing. The very thing meant to help them had become another source of failure.

That's when I went looking for a different answer.

What I found is the core insight of my new book, De Gelukscode: we've been looking for happiness in the wrong place.

The self-help industry is built on three myths:

These myths aren't just ineffective. They're harmful. They set impossible standards and then blame us for failing to meet them.

The breakthrough came when I discovered research by psychologist Todd Kashdan: the happiest people aren't chasing happiness directly. They're placing themselves in contexts where happiness can emerge.

Not: "I must be happier." But: "What environment makes happiness more likely?"

This changes everything. Instead of working on yourself, you redesign your surroundings. Instead of fighting your nature, you shape your context.

In the book, I identify four contexts where happiness naturally arises: Curiosity, Flow, Skill, and Connection. None of them require you to become a different person. All of them require you to design a different environment.

De Gelukscode launches February 19th. It's the book I wish I'd had in Norway. Not another list of things to do, but a map for designing a life where doing those things becomes inevitable.

Pre-order it in Dutch here.

The 40% That Actually Matters

Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky's research suggests that roughly 50% of our happiness is genetic, our baseline level. Another 10% depends on life circumstances: wealth, health, status.

That leaves 40%, determined by our daily activities and conscious choices.

Here's the trap: most people spend their energy chasing the 10% (the promotion, the house, the relationship) while ignoring the 40% they actually control.

The research is clear: your daily rituals, your environment, the quality of your small interactions—these matter far more than the big milestones. That morning coffee with a friend. The walk you take after lunch. The way you structure your workday.

Stop waiting for life to make you happy. Start designing days where happiness has room to show up.

Until next week,

Astrid Groenewegen

Co-Founder of SUE | Behavioural Design Academy, Author of 'The Art of Designing Behaviour' / 'De Kunst van Gedrag Ontwerpen'.